Dialogue

Posted by Unrepentant Escapist

February 16, 2010 -- 1:25 p.m.

A random piece of dialogue that came to me. Perhaps the opening to a romantic comedy involving nerds?

FIRST WOMAN: "Who would you rather do, Mario or Luigi?"

SECOND WOMAN: "Well, I've always had a thing for short Italian men in red overalls."

....

Which brings us to the question...what the hell is up with the raccoon suit, anyway? Everyone knows that raccoons don't fly. Thoughts?

Book Review -- Kingdoms of Thorn and Bone

Posted by Unrepentant Escapist


November 5, 2009 -- 12:12 a.m.

"Aspar White smelled murder. Its scent was like a handful of autumn leaves, crisped by the first frost and crushed in the palm.

Dirty Jesp, the Sefry woman who had raised him, told him once that his perculiar sense came from having been born of a dying mother below the gallows where the Raver took his sacrifices. But Dirty Jesp made her living as a liar...."
-Greg Keyes, the Briar King, pg 21. (Showing a good example of a first line...well, if you don't count the prologues)

Where did the mysterious colonists who vanished from Roanoke go?

They were kidnapped by monsters, of course, and taken as slaves to a land of dark magic!

That has nothing to do with these books. Or not much, anyway. It's just fun to know because you can see some of the languages evolved from corrupted English. There are enough little easter eggs in these books to keep a reader engaged...it took me an embarrassing long time to realize that the word "d'Ef" is, well...

Greg Keyes' series, called "The Kingdoms of Thorn and Bone" is definitely a winner and one of the most underappreciated sagas in the fantasy genre. At the end of the age of men, a small group of heroes is fighting to save the land from the unnatural evil looming. I got into this series a few years ago, but added two more books to my collection during the orange and black buy-fest. This is one of those sets of books that makes young writers groan, because there is no way you could ever replicate such wonderful prose.

Then you sigh and remember that Keyes has been writing professionally for much longer than you have, and the voice saying "I wish I could write like that" is quickly drowned out by all the wonderfulness of these books. They hit all the right old notes--buxom barmaids, snarky princesses, rapscallion fighters, and knights with big ass swords--with enough new twists to keep you interested. Monks with ninja-like powers! How awesome is THAT? Not to mention six-nippled albino gypsy people...

Besides a hefty helping of palace intrigues and a viewpoint character fatality rate reminiscent of George R.R. Martin, Keyes also does some wonderfully inventive things with religion. Now, I'm re-reading the series from scratch at the moment and my memory's a little patchy, but I believe I'm accurate in saying that the church has been calling the local spirits into "Saints" -- just like the Christian church of medieval Europe did in places like Ireland. By folding the local deities into their religion, they make it more easy for the locals to convert.

In this stories' case, if you walk through their sacred places, you get mad magical powers. Of course, each walk requires strength, and not all Saints are good...

Besides memorable characters, wonderful description, realistic languages (heroes actually have bad grammar and syntax errors when they switch tongues) and interesting religions, Keyes also plays with contrasts in weapons and culture. For example, one of the fighters is trained with a rapier, which works, although not always very well, against men with plate mail and cleavers.

Another wonderful part about this series is that it is done. No waiting for books. Just grab and go.

I've read all but the last book, the Born Queen, so I can't say whether the series' end is as good as its beginning, but these are books you won't regret buying, in my opinion--it's even available in e-book form. This is a sophisticated fantasy. As delicious as it gets.

My only complaint is that every chapter ends with a cliff-hanger, which, occasionally, can seem a bit forced. But it's a small flaw compared with so much goodness packed into these pages.

I had to add this snippet from the Briar King, too, just because I love characters bantering with each other and the reference to Gimli/Legolas.

" 'I killed a hundred, before the gate,' Thaniel asserted.
" 'I killed a hundred and five,' Carsek replied.
" 'You can't count to a hundred and five,' Thaniel retorted.
" 'Aye, I can. It's how many times I've had your sister.'
" 'Well,' Thaniel mused, 'then my sister had to have been counting for you. I know that after two hands and two feet, I had to start counting for your mother.'
" At that, both men paused.
" 'We are very funny men, aren't we?' Carsek grunted.
" 'We are men,' Thaniel said, more soberly. 'And alive, and free. And that is enough.'"
- Greg Keyes, The Briar King, pg. 10

New Weird Dream, or Chocolate is better than fake Jesus

Posted by Unrepentant Escapist

October 24, 2009 -- 1:06 p.m.

Okay
, this is the last time I listen to Writing Excuses before bed.

I'm at the Gathering Storm signing, and fan reaction makes Brandon Sanderson go off in a huff. All the Storm Leaders come with him, only suddenly, I'm dragged down into one of his books. All Pagemaster like.

Anyway, it turns out I'm a Princess in a land that's just been visited by Jesus. Only his twelve disciples assassinate him and use Judas Escariot as a scapegoat. Then they set up a strict religious theocracy in his name, ala Oliver Cromwell at his most puritan. I, being the rightful ruler of the land and a spoiled princess, got annoyed and didn't watch me tongue, because I'd never had to watch it before with the result that they went after me to collect my head. Oh, and also because I had accidentally killed one of them and had tried to hide my deed by chopping him up and throwing him in a garbage bag. I also locked one in a suitcase, but that was intentional.

I escaped the mildly pissed off priests through a dimensional portal and had many adventures, including a land of computer oompa-loompas and one where I became Sonic the Hedgehog, rolling through cities in the sky, etc. And one land made entirely of chocolate. I also had a battery-powered watch that gave me 30 minutes of super strength before its battery went out. Of course, I wasted three of those minutes figuring out how far I could chuck stones and yelling "Whoa, how cool is that?"

I accidentally ended up looping around to the place I had begun, my own world, where I was immediately caught by the clergy. However, when they took me up on a platform before the crowd of the world to execute me, they didn't chain me up or anything, "because I was just a wimpy girl." So I ran to the chocolate world portal and started grabbing candy and distributing it among the people.

Because chocolate had been outlawed on my world, no one had ever tasted it. They decided that chocolate was better than fake Jesus, so rose up against their oppressors and elected me queen.

There's a children's story in there, if you take out all the pieces of clergy in garbage bags, the blatant copyright infringements, and the executions.

Sometimes I can't sleep because my mind gets so full of ideas. Lately, ,my brain has been putting out big bursts of creativity, desperately trying to find something else to interest me so I'll stop making it slog through pages and pages of revision. If I had one wish, it would be that I could take the stories in my head and "magic" them onto a page, so there'd be no need for revision, no grammatical errors and no wasted ideas that have to go in the idea bin because I have no time to write them. Or no talent.

In this case, I have a wonderful first two lines for a humorous epic fantasy, ala Terry Pratchett. I'd love to write one, but while I can be funny in spurts, I don't think I could manage it through the whole book.

Here are the lines:

"Precisely three days, two minutes and forty-seven seconds before his highness, the King of the Entire World was going to die, a red-haired woman sat in a tree holding a bow and arrow.

"These two events had nothing to do with each other."

I only wish I knew where the rest of the story goes. Sigh. I wish people would pay me to invent the first lines of a book, because I have so many of them.

I think my new motto is going to be "chocolate is better than fake Jesus."