Posted by Unrepentant Escapist

December 10, 2009 -- 3:41 a.m.

Golly gee, I'm sick again. Which is amazing since I've been a hermit this past week. Germs somehow invaded my fortress of solitude.

Good thing Legend of the Seeker is here to entertain me. Richard Rahl/Cypher actor Craig Horner has grown a beard. But had he grown THE BEARD?

When I see him, I have the urge to shout "GET A HAIRCUT, YOU HIPPEE!!!"

While I'll grant that Legend of the Seeker has its quality issues, there's so much quality camp ("Or you'll feel the wrath of my sword!") that how can you NOT love it? (Speaking of camp, hulu also has some MST3K up and the Inspector Gadget Saves Christmas. Because is there anything extendable legs can't solve? No? I thought so). I'm happy to see they're keeping around the main villain from season one, because despite a general aura of villanous stupidity, he does entertain me. I wish he'd camp it up more. At least he hasn't worn his "wizard's wifebeater" this season.

I haven't read anything of Goodkind's but the Wizard's First Rule, mostly because--I don't like Ayn Rand. The ironic thing is, the whole premise of Legend of the Seeker, which is about going around and saving weak and helpless people seems somewhat contradictory to the Ayn Rand's ideas... But I'm not an expect.

But Legend of the Seeker is not only a philosophical masterpiece (teehee), it is also an educational tool. So, without further ado...


25) Any problem can be solved with a sufficiently big magic sword.
24) Dharken Rahl looks pretty good naked.
23) Skirts are absolutely no hindrance in a battle.
22) Wizards can cut holes in walls when it comes to letting prisoners escape, but they can't cut their way into evil fortresses.
21) You cannot be slightly evil. You have to either be a) misunderstood b) an axe-wielding maniac or c) a lovable thief.
20) Swords are for slashing, never stabbing. And enemies will always fall down with dramatic death cries, even though there are no visible wounds.
19) Always wear your corset laced up as tightly as possible, even while sleeping.
18) All farmer/ranger types can instantly pick up swordplay and then go on to beat any trained, armored swordsman.
17) A white dress will never get dirty, even if you're beaten and thrown in prison.
16) Your power is directly proportional to the power the plot requires. (IE, the Power-ups and abilities you gained last episode will never be useful again. And the guy who beat you at the beginning of the episode will not be able to manage to do so at the end of the episode...even though no change has been made except for the hero learning a moral.)
15) Real men never use hand gestures.
14) Hair will mysteriously get longer if you braid it and pile it on top of your head.
13) An explosion must always be accompanied by a hero leaping away and screaming.
12) All magical keys, potions, puzzles, etc. will be designed to be ridiculously difficult and often require trips to several different villages, no matter what the end result actually is.
11) If you have important information that the hero must know, write it down, because chances are, when you try to tell it to them you'll be killed mid-sentence.
10) Hot peasant women will always have access to great tailors. And their massive cleavage will never get in the way of their farming, ie, pop out while they're hoeing potatoes.
9) There are two sides in any argument, of which one of them will always be wrong. Unless they're both wrong. 'Gray area' is another word for 'pussy.'
8) When in doubt, get on something high and leap off screaming. This always works.
7) Even if someone's made a HUGE, TERRIBLE mistake, their spouse and friends will always forgive them completely within an hour-long span of time.
6) Good guys important to the plot never die. If they do, a woman dressed in the tight red leather will climb on top of them and give them mouth to mouth. Which is, of course, an enticement to suicide.
5) Cheaters never prosper. Unless they're lovable side characters who actually have hearts of gold. (Sorry blond dude, but you're no Bruce Campbell)
4) Hell is actually a naked gay orgy.
3) Don't ignore prophecy because it will come back and bite you in the ass.
2) Peasants are always happy unless they're currently being molested by tyrants or monsters.
1) Yes, the slit in Kahlan's skirt CAN go higher.


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