New Weird Dream, or Chocolate is better than fake Jesus

Posted by Unrepentant Escapist

October 24, 2009 -- 1:06 p.m.

, this is the last time I listen to Writing Excuses before bed.

I'm at the Gathering Storm signing, and fan reaction makes Brandon Sanderson go off in a huff. All the Storm Leaders come with him, only suddenly, I'm dragged down into one of his books. All Pagemaster like.

Anyway, it turns out I'm a Princess in a land that's just been visited by Jesus. Only his twelve disciples assassinate him and use Judas Escariot as a scapegoat. Then they set up a strict religious theocracy in his name, ala Oliver Cromwell at his most puritan. I, being the rightful ruler of the land and a spoiled princess, got annoyed and didn't watch me tongue, because I'd never had to watch it before with the result that they went after me to collect my head. Oh, and also because I had accidentally killed one of them and had tried to hide my deed by chopping him up and throwing him in a garbage bag. I also locked one in a suitcase, but that was intentional.

I escaped the mildly pissed off priests through a dimensional portal and had many adventures, including a land of computer oompa-loompas and one where I became Sonic the Hedgehog, rolling through cities in the sky, etc. And one land made entirely of chocolate. I also had a battery-powered watch that gave me 30 minutes of super strength before its battery went out. Of course, I wasted three of those minutes figuring out how far I could chuck stones and yelling "Whoa, how cool is that?"

I accidentally ended up looping around to the place I had begun, my own world, where I was immediately caught by the clergy. However, when they took me up on a platform before the crowd of the world to execute me, they didn't chain me up or anything, "because I was just a wimpy girl." So I ran to the chocolate world portal and started grabbing candy and distributing it among the people.

Because chocolate had been outlawed on my world, no one had ever tasted it. They decided that chocolate was better than fake Jesus, so rose up against their oppressors and elected me queen.

There's a children's story in there, if you take out all the pieces of clergy in garbage bags, the blatant copyright infringements, and the executions.

Sometimes I can't sleep because my mind gets so full of ideas. Lately, ,my brain has been putting out big bursts of creativity, desperately trying to find something else to interest me so I'll stop making it slog through pages and pages of revision. If I had one wish, it would be that I could take the stories in my head and "magic" them onto a page, so there'd be no need for revision, no grammatical errors and no wasted ideas that have to go in the idea bin because I have no time to write them. Or no talent.

In this case, I have a wonderful first two lines for a humorous epic fantasy, ala Terry Pratchett. I'd love to write one, but while I can be funny in spurts, I don't think I could manage it through the whole book.

Here are the lines:

"Precisely three days, two minutes and forty-seven seconds before his highness, the King of the Entire World was going to die, a red-haired woman sat in a tree holding a bow and arrow.

"These two events had nothing to do with each other."

I only wish I knew where the rest of the story goes. Sigh. I wish people would pay me to invent the first lines of a book, because I have so many of them.

I think my new motto is going to be "chocolate is better than fake Jesus."


  1. Lee Ann Setzer said...

    Your dreams always crack me up! This one's right in time for NaNoProcrastinateMo.

  2. Luisa Perkins said...

    This is so very entertaining.

    Those first two lines are terrific!

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